No Smoking~

Once again, I am attempting to shed the most hated habit on the planet. It's really the one thing I regret the most in my life. My logical brain knows the risks and my heart knows my intent. I decided that 2010 was going to be the year...the year I lost those last 20 (or 30) pounds, the year I became fit, the year I do NOT smoke!
As far as smoking goes, the odds are stacked against me. My grandfather died of lung cancer. My grandmother died from heart disease (AND malpractice, but that's another story). My other grandmother died of cancer. I know if I continue to smoke, my life will be cut short. I don't even think I'm invincible as I did at 18. I KNOW I'm not.
So, I put on the patch. I have a love/hate relationship with the patch, but I don't have the will power to go cold turkey. The patch works very well for me during the day, but I can't wear it while I'm sleeping. The nightmares are realistic and emotionally scarring ( I exaggerate, but they are pretty bad). If I don't wear it during the night, I wake up craving like nobody's business.
This process is very humbling. I know logically that smoking is BAD and evil and will kill me. Addiction is stronger though. I rationalize, deflect, and negotiate where smoking is concerned. I think I need to go back to 12 step meetings for this final addiction. :)