Scorekeeping is that thing that some people do in relationships to maintain a false sense of power. "I watched her kids two months ago and she hasn't offered to watch my kids so I'm not going to watch hers until she takes her turn." or "I served on the lay committee two years running and it's someone else's turn" or "I offered to buy lunch last time so he should pay this time". Scorekeeping can happen in our interpersonal relationships, our business relationships, or even our church family relationships.
As I've been researching expectations, scorekeeping is a topic that keeps popping up. It's what we expect from someone so that we can give ourselves permission to be loving or to give. I remember feeling this way at times. When I was a child, I wasn't invited to a particular persons birthday party so I didn't invite that person to my party. Sadly, I can also think of times that I've done this as an adult.
The practice of scorekeeping keeps us from our joy and happiness. We should give with a generous heart with no expectation that we will receive anything in return, because our reward is in heaven not on this earth. "One man gives freely, yet gains more:another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty." Proverbs 11:24
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Lower expectations can lead to greater happiness.
I was reading an article about the Danes and happiness. More than 2/3 of Danes report being very happy with their lives. The article stated that Danes would make good Buddhists because they live in the present instead of grasping toward happiness in the future. They have a phrase "lige nu" which means just now. Danes don't live on a "hedonic treadmill" and seem to instinctually know that expectations kill happiness.
Expectations are also lower in older populations. They haven't lowered their aspirations necessarily; they just have a greater capacity for acceptance. Expectations are also lower during a recession. People seem to expect less and so they find happiness when they gain anything.
Happiness equals reality minus expectations. This said, we can either boost our reality or lower our expectations. "Set thy heart upon thy work not thy reward," says Lord Krishna.
In the shower this morning, I was thinking about expectations and what they mean in my life and what they have meant in the past. I know that great expectations were held for me by my family. I was the oldest. I had a talent and I was to go on to college and do great things. At different points in my life, I disappointed my family because of the great expectations they held for me. As I have had children, I know I've had certain expectations for them, but maybe they are just hopes and dreams. I want great things for my family but if those things don't happen, will I love them less or judge them harshly? I hope not. I've had to alter the hopes and dreams I had for my oldest child as she's grown into adulthood. She's making choices for her life that I didn't really dream of but now I watch as her own dreams unfold.
Placing my expectations upon others has caused anxiety in my life. I hope I'm learning to NOT have expectations of people, places and things because as the Big Book tells me, I don't have any control over those things. I'm choosing to live as a Dane and be pleasantlysurprised when great things happen. Peace!
Expectations are also lower in older populations. They haven't lowered their aspirations necessarily; they just have a greater capacity for acceptance. Expectations are also lower during a recession. People seem to expect less and so they find happiness when they gain anything.
Happiness equals reality minus expectations. This said, we can either boost our reality or lower our expectations. "Set thy heart upon thy work not thy reward," says Lord Krishna.
In the shower this morning, I was thinking about expectations and what they mean in my life and what they have meant in the past. I know that great expectations were held for me by my family. I was the oldest. I had a talent and I was to go on to college and do great things. At different points in my life, I disappointed my family because of the great expectations they held for me. As I have had children, I know I've had certain expectations for them, but maybe they are just hopes and dreams. I want great things for my family but if those things don't happen, will I love them less or judge them harshly? I hope not. I've had to alter the hopes and dreams I had for my oldest child as she's grown into adulthood. She's making choices for her life that I didn't really dream of but now I watch as her own dreams unfold.
Placing my expectations upon others has caused anxiety in my life. I hope I'm learning to NOT have expectations of people, places and things because as the Big Book tells me, I don't have any control over those things. I'm choosing to live as a Dane and be pleasantlysurprised when great things happen. Peace!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Breathing a sigh of relief...
It may be too soon to actually breathe a sigh of relief, but I'm going to sneak one out anyway. Tyler seems to have hit a streak of progression. Recently, he seems more focused, more alert, able to carry on meaningful conversations. He and I had a very good talk about school yesterday when I picked him up from tutoring. I knew the diagnostician, Karen was supposed to introduce herself to Tyler and explain the process of testing. I asked him about it after school and he actually remembered meeting her and going to her office. We talked about what it means for him to be tested and what might happen. He was very happy to talk about what bothers him in class. He usually clams up when I try to talk to him about what he finds most difficult. He very succinctly explained what happens when he's trying to work a math sheet or answer questions about a reading he's done. He seemed hopeful that the results of the test may get him some additional help in school. We talked about what kind of tests he'll do. We also talked about doing his very best and keeping on track.
Today, testing began after much anticipation on our part. I checked in with Karen at lunch and she gushed on and on about Ty. He's so sweet. He's so cooperative. He tries his very best. It made me very proud to hear someone rave on about my little guy. He's doing well keeping up with her and tolerating everything she's taking him through. He has two more days oftesting to go through next week and then the meetings begin. I just pray that the results will indicate that Tyler does in fact need more one on one help and he will receive a diagnosis that will help him get through school. Pray, my friends. xoxo!
Today, testing began after much anticipation on our part. I checked in with Karen at lunch and she gushed on and on about Ty. He's so sweet. He's so cooperative. He tries his very best. It made me very proud to hear someone rave on about my little guy. He's doing well keeping up with her and tolerating everything she's taking him through. He has two more days oftesting to go through next week and then the meetings begin. I just pray that the results will indicate that Tyler does in fact need more one on one help and he will receive a diagnosis that will help him get through school. Pray, my friends. xoxo!
Monday, January 11, 2010
One more day in the life...
Today is definitely Monday. I'm so frustrated with this process that is SUPPOSED to be getting Tyler the help he needs. I went along with it, so shame on me. I don't understand why this has to take so long and in the meantime, Tyler is bringing home handfuls of failing papers.
I left a message last Thursday for the asst. principal to call me about where we were in the process. This morning she called back. "Well, uh...ahem....uh, I'll need to call the diagnostician back and see where we are since Tyler has started wearing his glasses." I reminded her that the school district has 60 days to complete this process to which she replies, "The glasses incident put a halt to the process and we'll need to get it started again." UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I relayed my frustration to her about this PROCESS. I reminded her that we could've already had Tyler tested privately to which she responded, "Yes, but we would've had to confirm those results which would put us in exactly the same position."
Tyler had another round with benchmark TAKS and is doing district testing this week. I can tell you he was NOT thrilled to go to school this morning. He brought home 5 papers last week with failing grades that we are correcting for a passing grade. One of those grades was a 17. In no way does this indicate to me that he is getting anything out of class. He needs to be helped a lot, either through content mastery or resource.
I just feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and nothing is getting done. I can see him slipping away. My thought is maybe public school will never be the place that Tyler needs it to be. So, where does that leave us? Private school or home school. Both of these ideas scare the crap out of me. The price of private school makes me physically numb and I don't know if I'm capable of schooling Tyler.
I left a message last Thursday for the asst. principal to call me about where we were in the process. This morning she called back. "Well, uh...ahem....uh, I'll need to call the diagnostician back and see where we are since Tyler has started wearing his glasses." I reminded her that the school district has 60 days to complete this process to which she replies, "The glasses incident put a halt to the process and we'll need to get it started again." UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I relayed my frustration to her about this PROCESS. I reminded her that we could've already had Tyler tested privately to which she responded, "Yes, but we would've had to confirm those results which would put us in exactly the same position."
Tyler had another round with benchmark TAKS and is doing district testing this week. I can tell you he was NOT thrilled to go to school this morning. He brought home 5 papers last week with failing grades that we are correcting for a passing grade. One of those grades was a 17. In no way does this indicate to me that he is getting anything out of class. He needs to be helped a lot, either through content mastery or resource.
I just feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and nothing is getting done. I can see him slipping away. My thought is maybe public school will never be the place that Tyler needs it to be. So, where does that leave us? Private school or home school. Both of these ideas scare the crap out of me. The price of private school makes me physically numb and I don't know if I'm capable of schooling Tyler.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
These crazy dreams...
I had a dream the other night. It was one of those dreams that feels so real while you're in it. It brought up some feelings that I hadn't felt in many years and made me face some things that may be true, but I'm not sure I'll ever know for sure unless I do some serious detective work.
My mother and father married at 18 and I was born a week before their high school graduation. My father was an immature, spoiled brat and my mother had the burden of supporting our family. My father was a fun dad. He watched cartoons and helped me learn to ride my bike; however, he liked to party way more. There were often a lot of guys around the house, listening to music, watching Cheech and Chong, and other "activities". He could not or would not keep a job. After my brother was born, my mother decided she could only support two children NOT three. It crushed me at the time, but I would soon figure out (at a young age) that it was for the best.
My father moved in with his parents and I saw him every other weekend...sometimes. It was usually my grandparents who got me. My dad was usually too busy with friends and parties. He never paid child support. IF my mom got any money it was usually from my grandparents NOT my dad.
I think I was in second grade the FIRST time my dad went to jail. There were many subsequent trips. That's when I began to understand who my dad was. He was a small time petty thief and a fraud and a drug addict. His friends began to realize that every time he came around things went missing. He came and went in and out of my life throughout the rest of my childhood. He would get somewhat stable for a while and start making promises to me about things we would do. I later found out he would call my mother and ask to borrow money...REALLY?
During my sophomore year, he entered once again. He offered to help with my voice lessons, my choir uniforms, and most importantly, a car. Two weeks later my grandfather called to tell us Dad had been incarcerated; this time for a while. It was probably then that I hardened my heart.
He came and went several times over the next few years. He came to see me when my first child was born and wanted to know if I was going to take all my pain meds because he could really use something to get by on. UGH! There was also the time he wrote from prison to ask if I would send money so he could buy stamps and a toothbrush. I never sent any money. I would throw the letters in the trash, often unopened.
I haven't seen or talked to my father in 5 years. The last I heard he was in La Jolla, Ca. and I'm sure up to no good. This brings me to my nicotine induced nightmare a few nights ago. In my dream, I ran into my uncle and he told me my father had died in prison and was buried in a pauper's grave. When I woke up, I was very upset. Why? I don't feel responsible for him, but I do feel sorry for him. What will it feel like when this is true? He's been in poor health for years and it's not unimaginable that he could be dead.
I have a friend who had a father who left him when he was a small boy. Years later, this boy who was now a man took in his ill father to care for him until he died. I was overwhelmed. As a Christian, shouldn't we forgive and show mercy? I just don't think I could. I still have so much anger toward my father. As an adult woman with children, I realize that having my father be mostly absent was much better than having him present and causing more damage. I just look at my children sometimes and wonder how a parent could hurt their child so much. On one hand, I feel pity for him because he was so damaged when he was a child. On the other hand, I am angry that he missed out on knowing a very important person. I suppose I'll just have to deal with the issue when it's in front of me, but I wonder what that will look like...
My mother and father married at 18 and I was born a week before their high school graduation. My father was an immature, spoiled brat and my mother had the burden of supporting our family. My father was a fun dad. He watched cartoons and helped me learn to ride my bike; however, he liked to party way more. There were often a lot of guys around the house, listening to music, watching Cheech and Chong, and other "activities". He could not or would not keep a job. After my brother was born, my mother decided she could only support two children NOT three. It crushed me at the time, but I would soon figure out (at a young age) that it was for the best.
My father moved in with his parents and I saw him every other weekend...sometimes. It was usually my grandparents who got me. My dad was usually too busy with friends and parties. He never paid child support. IF my mom got any money it was usually from my grandparents NOT my dad.
I think I was in second grade the FIRST time my dad went to jail. There were many subsequent trips. That's when I began to understand who my dad was. He was a small time petty thief and a fraud and a drug addict. His friends began to realize that every time he came around things went missing. He came and went in and out of my life throughout the rest of my childhood. He would get somewhat stable for a while and start making promises to me about things we would do. I later found out he would call my mother and ask to borrow money...REALLY?
During my sophomore year, he entered once again. He offered to help with my voice lessons, my choir uniforms, and most importantly, a car. Two weeks later my grandfather called to tell us Dad had been incarcerated; this time for a while. It was probably then that I hardened my heart.
He came and went several times over the next few years. He came to see me when my first child was born and wanted to know if I was going to take all my pain meds because he could really use something to get by on. UGH! There was also the time he wrote from prison to ask if I would send money so he could buy stamps and a toothbrush. I never sent any money. I would throw the letters in the trash, often unopened.
I haven't seen or talked to my father in 5 years. The last I heard he was in La Jolla, Ca. and I'm sure up to no good. This brings me to my nicotine induced nightmare a few nights ago. In my dream, I ran into my uncle and he told me my father had died in prison and was buried in a pauper's grave. When I woke up, I was very upset. Why? I don't feel responsible for him, but I do feel sorry for him. What will it feel like when this is true? He's been in poor health for years and it's not unimaginable that he could be dead.
I have a friend who had a father who left him when he was a small boy. Years later, this boy who was now a man took in his ill father to care for him until he died. I was overwhelmed. As a Christian, shouldn't we forgive and show mercy? I just don't think I could. I still have so much anger toward my father. As an adult woman with children, I realize that having my father be mostly absent was much better than having him present and causing more damage. I just look at my children sometimes and wonder how a parent could hurt their child so much. On one hand, I feel pity for him because he was so damaged when he was a child. On the other hand, I am angry that he missed out on knowing a very important person. I suppose I'll just have to deal with the issue when it's in front of me, but I wonder what that will look like...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
No Smoking~
Once again, I am attempting to shed the most hated habit on the planet. It's really the one thing I regret the most in my life. My logical brain knows the risks and my heart knows my intent. I decided that 2010 was going to be the year...the year I lost those last 20 (or 30) pounds, the year I became fit, the year I do NOT smoke!
As far as smoking goes, the odds are stacked against me. My grandfather died of lung cancer. My grandmother died from heart disease (AND malpractice, but that's another story). My other grandmother died of cancer. I know if I continue to smoke, my life will be cut short. I don't even think I'm invincible as I did at 18. I KNOW I'm not.
So, I put on the patch. I have a love/hate relationship with the patch, but I don't have the will power to go cold turkey. The patch works very well for me during the day, but I can't wear it while I'm sleeping. The nightmares are realistic and emotionally scarring ( I exaggerate, but they are pretty bad). If I don't wear it during the night, I wake up craving like nobody's business.
This process is very humbling. I know logically that smoking is BAD and evil and will kill me. Addiction is stronger though. I rationalize, deflect, and negotiate where smoking is concerned. I think I need to go back to 12 step meetings for this final addiction. :)
As far as smoking goes, the odds are stacked against me. My grandfather died of lung cancer. My grandmother died from heart disease (AND malpractice, but that's another story). My other grandmother died of cancer. I know if I continue to smoke, my life will be cut short. I don't even think I'm invincible as I did at 18. I KNOW I'm not.
So, I put on the patch. I have a love/hate relationship with the patch, but I don't have the will power to go cold turkey. The patch works very well for me during the day, but I can't wear it while I'm sleeping. The nightmares are realistic and emotionally scarring ( I exaggerate, but they are pretty bad). If I don't wear it during the night, I wake up craving like nobody's business.
This process is very humbling. I know logically that smoking is BAD and evil and will kill me. Addiction is stronger though. I rationalize, deflect, and negotiate where smoking is concerned. I think I need to go back to 12 step meetings for this final addiction. :)
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