Auld Lang Syne...

Another year has come and gone. I look back on this year and feel blessed beyond measure. I've reconnected with important people, Tyler has matured and excelled, Jordan is no longer a teen, and our Emily continues to bless me with laughter and patience. I look forward to another year of my life. Peace, my dear sweet friends~Blessings on you and yours in 2011!

Joy stealers

I'm filled with thoughts this morning, so please indulge me momentarily. There are those people that cross our paths that are so damaged. All they can do is TRY and steal our joy. They need others to join in their pain so they will inflict it on those who love them. Don't let them take little pieces of your soul. Pray for them, forgive them, and focus on what is beautiful in your life. Peace, my friends~

Thankful...

Parent/Teacher conference or THE BEST NEWS EVER.....you decide

Last Tuesday was the most wonderful day EVER! Not only did I get to spend time with energetic, booger wiping pre-schoolers, I also had the most wonderful parent/teacher conference with Tyler's team of teachers. He has an amazing team! Mr. Adams is his Social Studies/Math teacher and super hero action figure collector (very cool), Miss Cason (a.k.a pretty young thing) is his homeroom/reading teacher and Mrs. Royal is his resource teacher.
I alluded to the idea in a previous post that we as a family had decided Ty had matured over the summer or had an awakening. My jaw dropped when Mrs. Royal confirmed my suspicions. She told his teachers that she has seen NIGHT and DAY in Ty's performance from last year to this year. He focuses, he asks questions and he participates.
Mrs. Royal is now working on tools for Ty to use to help him remember things, charts and calendars, lists and mneumonic devices. He is starting to realize he needs these things and this is a HUGE step for him in his development. If we can give him these tools, it will free up his brain for learning instead of trying to remember everything he's supposed to do in his daily life.
This has been one more instance where I have been amazed at the human brain. I don't like to think of what could have been, but when I do think that way...God amazes me through the MIRACLE (and yes, he's OUR miracle) that is my son. Peace~

To HcG or not to HcG...that is the question.

So, obviously I decided TO HcG. I've never been one to buy into the whole fad diet thing. I was a firm believer that you should just use extreme will power and work out. HOWEVER, after I quit my anti-depressants (never felt better) and attempted to quit smoking (still a struggle), I looked up and WOW...didn't like what I saw. After extensive research, I made a decision to literally work my butt off. I spoke with many people who had great results, so I jumped in head first.
I will be totally honest and say I was totally put off by the 500 calorie per day part for a while, but after eating only 500 calories for 3 days now, I can say it's not that bad. It has taken a little more planning on my part, but it's not been too much of a hassle. I think I like knowing there is an end in sight...that it's not for months and months that I have to do this to start seeing results.
For those of you who've asked, there was some mild discomfort and general malaise the first couple of days. I'm over that and have SUPER human energy today. I discovered on my walk this morning that I had a spring in my step that has been missing for quite a while.
I weighed in this morning on Day 6 and was 7 pounds lighter. I returned to the scale several more times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. It's TRUE! Hooray! I'll keep you posted! Peace~

Brain awakening

I worry about Tyler...all the time. However, I've recently noticed a new side of him. To backtrack, Tyler goes through periods of awakening. He lags behind other kids his age and then BOOM, another part of his brain wakes up. (This is how we refer to it.) This summer, he seems to have matured A LOT. His wit is quick and he has surprised us several times with his witty comebacks to his father's teasing. All this said, I still worried about how he would do once school started back up.
In the past, school has been overwhelming for Tyler. He shuts down when he doesn't understand and he's been too embarassed to ask for help. It was comforting to me when on Meet the Teacher night his teachers were happy to meet Tyler and were already aware of his IEP and classroom accomodations. His homeroom teacher, MISS Cason (young pup) encouraged us to write a letter to Ty that she would give him on the first day of school. Dad and I wrote our letters which included a reminder to do his best and always ask for help if he needed it. His teachers also wrote him notes that expressed their willingness to be there to help him.
On curriculum night, both teachers told me how wonderful Ty was doing. He's been participating in class discussions, raising his hand to ask questions and finishing class work in class (mostly). I am holding my breathe that this focus is lasting. Peace~

A preview to empty nest...?

My summer was so focused on my children. We had huge fun and spent so many fun and FUNNY moments together. They are big enough to really appreciate the fun things we do together, but not SO big that hanging out with mom is embarrassing.
I didn't realize until this week how much I enjoyed having them with me every stinkin' day. I miss them. My husband laughs at me and says to enjoy the quiet time.
I've whipped my house back into shape and organized drawers and cleaned out closets. I'm waiting impatiently for a job to come. In the meantime, I'll spend some time rediscovering what I like to do and praying that I find some answers to some tough questions that came up over the summer.
Thanks for indulging my whine fest. Peace~

Fatherly Love

I remember the day I realized that I had a Father who loved me so much. A relief swept over me and I felt whole. I knew He would never leave me and would always be there to lead me in the right direction. Thinking about it now brings me such joy and peace. An earthly father could have never given me all the love our Heavenly Father gives each day. I thank our Father for catching me when I fall, holding me while I weep and rejoicing with me when I triumph over this world. Peace~

Summer Fun~

Alas, the summer must come to an end. I've enjoyed the time with the small ones. I will miss them. I appreciate all the minutes I spend with them because I know they'll be gone quickly. It won't be too long until the little man will prefer "hanging" with his buddies. My youngest princess will no longer want to snuggle with me while we watch bad reality television. *Sigh* I guess it's time for me to grow up. SOB~

Sometimes the past reaches out and grabs our present...

I had accepted that my father had gone on to meet his maker. Not the case. Thanks to the technology of Facebook and some helpful social workers at the San Diego Rescue Mission, he located my brother and I. I'm still processing how I feel about this...so is my brother. I would appreciate your prayers for wisdom. Peace~

May flowers or the battle for a correct diagnosis

This month is a grand month. I just celebrated my 20th anniversary, had a wonderful Mother's Day and will celebrate my birthday next week with wonderful women. I am grateful to be so blessed.
On the other hand, Tyler is still struggling through school. He did get some services but his teacher's feel it's not enough. He still struggles through mainstream class time. I'm working toward getting him diagnosed as OHI. He doesn't fit into traditional diagnoses. He is a part of a small, unique group of children struggling with non verbal learning disability. He will benefit most from resource classes which are smaller and provide more one on one help. Getting him this diagnosis is like pulling teeth. I have to get a doctor to provide a letter saying he suffered a brain injury. His neurologist and pediatrician he had at birth haven't seen him in years. His doctor he sees now didn't follow him at birth. His neuropsychologist says we need a letter from a medical doctor. WILL SOMEONE JUST WRITE THE DANG LETTER? This is a boy who is beat down every day he has to try and keep up in a regular classroom. I feel like Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment. I'm taking deep breaths and trusting in God. Peace~

Attack the Taks...

The anticipation felt is greater than waiting for Christmas morning! Tyler's school did a really great job of making it cool. They had a TAKS prep boot camp and all wore camo. They earned dog tags for their hard work. The teachers asked parents and friends to write notes of encouragement for the kids to open on TAKS morning. We were asked to bring mucho snacks and water bottles. Gearing up for a big game....only it's not a game. I appreciate their effort and Tyler was cool, calm, and collected as always. I asked him how it went. He just shrugged and said, "Oh, it was fine. " I know this isn't any real indicator of how he did, but at least he wasn't stressed about it. Anyway, our part is over and we can all breathe a little easier and begin the wrap up for the end of the year. Peace~

Happy April

I realized I haven't added any new blogs and it's 20 days into April. So....I'm happy it's Spring even while my nose runs endlessly. I realized after 2 days of rain how much I truly, madly, deeply love the SUN. Ask my kids...I've been grouchy. Not really any reason...just BLAH~and then HALLELUJAH the sun rises as do my spirits. Here are some things I'm grateful for:

my husband, my children, my mom, my siblings, my nieces, my extended family, the sun, green grass, God's grace AND mercy, friends, fresh fruit, beautiful music, thought provoking art, musical theatre, oldies but goodies, dark chocolate, strong coffee, Bravo...I could go on and on but I've taken up enough of your time.

Happy Springtime and peace~

and exhale....a successful ARD~

For those of you who have been praying for Tyler, I would like to give you an update on the ARD meeting that occured on Tuesday of this week. I've been preparing myself for a battle, but I left there feeling victorious!
His test results indicated that his learning disability is predominantly math oriented, so he will be receiving resource Math. His language scores were considerably better, some in the above average range. The only problem is his score in long term retrieval. This means he can read anything you put in front of him and spell amazingly; however, unless exposed repeatedly to the material he will not be able to recall anything about what he's read an hour later. For this reason he will receive content mastery for anything his teachers feel he is struggling with.
Now hold on...here's the BEST news ever...he will be taking the TAKS accomodated math test and the reading modified which will be administered one on one with multiple breaks and he can use tools such as the multiplication chart while testing. THIS IS HUGE!
This is what I've been praying for. I really felt like everyone is playing on the same team...helping Tyler succeed! The vice principal at Tyler's school is going through the same struggle for her child and is very empathetic. It is a frustrating process, but I feel like we really have some tools in place for Tyler and now we will see if it's enough. I believe it will be. Stay tuned. Peace~

I believe...

...in love.
...in miracles.
...in forgiveness.
...in humanity.
...in music.
...in beauty.
...in me.
...in my children.
...in you.

Peace~

Roller Coasters...not a fan.

I have never enjoyed roller coasters. As an adult, I don't feel like I have to ride them anymore. They're scary and unpredictable. Peace~

A Silver Lining Perhaps...

I called Karen the Diagnostician this morning to touch base and see where we were in the process. She has the preliminary report and told me off the record that Ty will qualify for services in Math. On a much happier note, she told me that he scored off the charts in several areas. His letter recognition, reading fluency, and some other language skills registered 3-4 standard deviations ABOVE the norm. His long term retrieval was very low, but I think we all expected that.
Now, we all have an idea what Ty's STRENGTHS are. There will be a new focus on building on his strengths as well as his weaknesses. I feel that we can all really boost his self esteem and confidence in those areas he excels. So, it's a happy day at the Thornton casa. Peace and love~

Reflection and Repentance

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for taking stock and reflection. When we observe the 40 days of Lent, we imitate Jesus' withdrawal into the wilderness for 40 days. Lent can be viewed as a spiritual spring cleaning; a time for taking spiritual inventory and then cleaning out those things which hinder us from a closer relationship with Jesus Christ and our service to Him.
This isn't exactly how we explain it to the little ones. I explained that Jesus went into the desert, fasted for 40 days and was tempted by Satan. Chrstians give up something during Lent to remember the 40 days that Christ spent in the desert. I explained that I gave up Diet Dr. Pepper and every time I think I want one, I just remember that Christ suffered and went without food so I think I can do without a soda. I asked them to think of some things they could give up. Several mentioned special toys that they like to play with. My daughter raised her hand and I was interested to know what was on her heart..."HOMEWORK! I could give up homework!" Out of the mouths of babes.
When we are choosing something to give up during Lent, it needs to cause some amount of discomfort. Choosing to not eat eggplant when you've hated it all your life isn't really giving up anything. Peace~

How to change the WORLD!

I was searching blogs and I came across a poem of sorts. It was the author's look back on his life. When he was young, he set his sights on changing the world. When he grew into adulthood, he realized the world was too big so he decided to change his country. As he grew into his twilight years, he thought he would have a better chance of changing those around him, his family and friends. As he lay on his death bed he realized he would've accomplished so much had he only focused on changing himself. He might have inspired his family to change. Who knows? He may have reached the WORLD.
Hmmm, something to ponder. Peace and love~

Find joy...Live longer.

Last year, an article published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed a correlation between longevity and positive feelings in the diaries of a group of nuns. Those who lived the longest expressed the most joy about life. I've been paying very close attention to the people around me, family, friends, grocery checkers, my children's teachers, etc...there is a big difference in health, happiness and quality of life in people that try to focus on the positive. This is certainly not a new concept, just one I've set my sights upon. There have been times in my own life that it felt like happiness and joy were just out of my reach. I was focused on why I wasn't happy; therefore, I wasn't. I try to focus on things that do make me happy and blessings in my life instead of what DOESN'T please me. I'm letting those unpleasing things have less importance. Miraculously or maybe not so much, they have less power over my happiness.
I've compiled a list of some things I do or would like to do that promote joy and happiness. Feel free to join me!
1. Pray. It doesn't matter why, just pray. There's no special or right way to pray. I pray at red lights, I pray in the shower, I pray on the treadmill. It puts me in an attitude of thankfulness which only promotes my joy.
2. Hug. Hug your children, hug your spouse, hug your parents, hug your friends. Hugs can relieve pain and depression. Hugs can make the healthy happier.
3. Go outside. Fresh air boosts your mood.
4. Exercise. Release those natural mood elevators.
5. Cede. Be the first to relent in an argument. Acknowledge the other person's viewpoint.
6. Pet a pup or scratch a kitty. Pets relieve our stress.
7. Go to bed earlier. An extra hour of sleep can brighten your outlook.
8. Volunteer. Give your time to build someone's future. volunteermatch.org
9. Buy something beautiful for yourself; a piece of art or handmade vase. Display it in your home and admire it often.
10. Take lessons. Hobbies are fun and relieve stress.
11. Add some green. Plants are proven mood enhancers.
12. Create a new recipe. Discover your creativity.
13. Care for yourself. Brush your hair 100 strokes, use a face mask, give yourself a manicure. The ritual is relaxing.
14. Write a letter. Use your best stationery.
15. See a funny movie and laugh out loud!
16. Give gifts. When you give to others, the world seems more generous.
17. Sing in your car. Put on your favorite CD that you know all the words to and sing!
18. Be silly. My kids and I take pictures of each other making silly faces. It's fun and we all end up giggling.
19. Bake cookies and take them to work.
20. Play with your children. Swing with them, play tag with them, slide down the slide.

Make your own list and enjoy your life! Peace~

uh-huh...uh-huh....

I do not now nor will I ever enjoy one-sided conversations. You know the ones....those conversations where all YOU ever say is uh-huh because that's the only thing you can get in there. A word will not fit edge wise. It's funny, but it's not. When I hang up the phone, Big Daddy says "so and so?" to which I just roll my eyes. The not funny side is that it makes me feel less than, like what's going on with me and my life is inconsequential.
Thank you and goodnight~ Peace!

I heart BABIES!

I have a new niece, Khloe Faith Stacy. She was a blessing that our family had been praying for and now she is here. Her middle name was chosen because she was a very direct result of faith in a community. Her mommy and daddy were prayed over in church after trying to conceive with help from doctors. Lo and behold, with no intervention from man but from our heavenly Father...here she is!
When my older niece was born, I was not able to be a very big part of her early days for reasons I may or may not divulge at a later time. Yesterday, I was overcome with JOY~that today I am able to be a part of a joyous time in my families life. I thank my Father for his Grace~and babies are YUMMY!!!! :)

Scorekeeping doesn't have a place in relationships.

Scorekeeping is that thing that some people do in relationships to maintain a false sense of power. "I watched her kids two months ago and she hasn't offered to watch my kids so I'm not going to watch hers until she takes her turn." or "I served on the lay committee two years running and it's someone else's turn" or "I offered to buy lunch last time so he should pay this time". Scorekeeping can happen in our interpersonal relationships, our business relationships, or even our church family relationships.
As I've been researching expectations, scorekeeping is a topic that keeps popping up. It's what we expect from someone so that we can give ourselves permission to be loving or to give. I remember feeling this way at times. When I was a child, I wasn't invited to a particular persons birthday party so I didn't invite that person to my party. Sadly, I can also think of times that I've done this as an adult.
The practice of scorekeeping keeps us from our joy and happiness. We should give with a generous heart with no expectation that we will receive anything in return, because our reward is in heaven not on this earth. "One man gives freely, yet gains more:another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty." Proverbs 11:24

Lower expectations can lead to greater happiness.

I was reading an article about the Danes and happiness. More than 2/3 of Danes report being very happy with their lives. The article stated that Danes would make good Buddhists because they live in the present instead of grasping toward happiness in the future. They have a phrase "lige nu" which means just now. Danes don't live on a "hedonic treadmill" and seem to instinctually know that expectations kill happiness.
Expectations are also lower in older populations. They haven't lowered their aspirations necessarily; they just have a greater capacity for acceptance. Expectations are also lower during a recession. People seem to expect less and so they find happiness when they gain anything.
Happiness equals reality minus expectations. This said, we can either boost our reality or lower our expectations. "Set thy heart upon thy work not thy reward," says Lord Krishna.
In the shower this morning, I was thinking about expectations and what they mean in my life and what they have meant in the past. I know that great expectations were held for me by my family. I was the oldest. I had a talent and I was to go on to college and do great things. At different points in my life, I disappointed my family because of the great expectations they held for me. As I have had children, I know I've had certain expectations for them, but maybe they are just hopes and dreams. I want great things for my family but if those things don't happen, will I love them less or judge them harshly? I hope not. I've had to alter the hopes and dreams I had for my oldest child as she's grown into adulthood. She's making choices for her life that I didn't really dream of but now I watch as her own dreams unfold.
Placing my expectations upon others has caused anxiety in my life. I hope I'm learning to NOT have expectations of people, places and things because as the Big Book tells me, I don't have any control over those things. I'm choosing to live as a Dane and be pleasantlysurprised when great things happen. Peace!

Breathing a sigh of relief...

It may be too soon to actually breathe a sigh of relief, but I'm going to sneak one out anyway. Tyler seems to have hit a streak of progression. Recently, he seems more focused, more alert, able to carry on meaningful conversations. He and I had a very good talk about school yesterday when I picked him up from tutoring. I knew the diagnostician, Karen was supposed to introduce herself to Tyler and explain the process of testing. I asked him about it after school and he actually remembered meeting her and going to her office. We talked about what it means for him to be tested and what might happen. He was very happy to talk about what bothers him in class. He usually clams up when I try to talk to him about what he finds most difficult. He very succinctly explained what happens when he's trying to work a math sheet or answer questions about a reading he's done. He seemed hopeful that the results of the test may get him some additional help in school. We talked about what kind of tests he'll do. We also talked about doing his very best and keeping on track.
Today, testing began after much anticipation on our part. I checked in with Karen at lunch and she gushed on and on about Ty. He's so sweet. He's so cooperative. He tries his very best. It made me very proud to hear someone rave on about my little guy. He's doing well keeping up with her and tolerating everything she's taking him through. He has two more days oftesting to go through next week and then the meetings begin. I just pray that the results will indicate that Tyler does in fact need more one on one help and he will receive a diagnosis that will help him get through school. Pray, my friends. xoxo!

One more day in the life...

Today is definitely Monday. I'm so frustrated with this process that is SUPPOSED to be getting Tyler the help he needs. I went along with it, so shame on me. I don't understand why this has to take so long and in the meantime, Tyler is bringing home handfuls of failing papers.
I left a message last Thursday for the asst. principal to call me about where we were in the process. This morning she called back. "Well, uh...ahem....uh, I'll need to call the diagnostician back and see where we are since Tyler has started wearing his glasses." I reminded her that the school district has 60 days to complete this process to which she replies, "The glasses incident put a halt to the process and we'll need to get it started again." UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I relayed my frustration to her about this PROCESS. I reminded her that we could've already had Tyler tested privately to which she responded, "Yes, but we would've had to confirm those results which would put us in exactly the same position."
Tyler had another round with benchmark TAKS and is doing district testing this week. I can tell you he was NOT thrilled to go to school this morning. He brought home 5 papers last week with failing grades that we are correcting for a passing grade. One of those grades was a 17. In no way does this indicate to me that he is getting anything out of class. He needs to be helped a lot, either through content mastery or resource.
I just feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and nothing is getting done. I can see him slipping away. My thought is maybe public school will never be the place that Tyler needs it to be. So, where does that leave us? Private school or home school. Both of these ideas scare the crap out of me. The price of private school makes me physically numb and I don't know if I'm capable of schooling Tyler.

These crazy dreams...

I had a dream the other night. It was one of those dreams that feels so real while you're in it. It brought up some feelings that I hadn't felt in many years and made me face some things that may be true, but I'm not sure I'll ever know for sure unless I do some serious detective work.
My mother and father married at 18 and I was born a week before their high school graduation. My father was an immature, spoiled brat and my mother had the burden of supporting our family. My father was a fun dad. He watched cartoons and helped me learn to ride my bike; however, he liked to party way more. There were often a lot of guys around the house, listening to music, watching Cheech and Chong, and other "activities". He could not or would not keep a job. After my brother was born, my mother decided she could only support two children NOT three. It crushed me at the time, but I would soon figure out (at a young age) that it was for the best.
My father moved in with his parents and I saw him every other weekend...sometimes. It was usually my grandparents who got me. My dad was usually too busy with friends and parties. He never paid child support. IF my mom got any money it was usually from my grandparents NOT my dad.
I think I was in second grade the FIRST time my dad went to jail. There were many subsequent trips. That's when I began to understand who my dad was. He was a small time petty thief and a fraud and a drug addict. His friends began to realize that every time he came around things went missing. He came and went in and out of my life throughout the rest of my childhood. He would get somewhat stable for a while and start making promises to me about things we would do. I later found out he would call my mother and ask to borrow money...REALLY?
During my sophomore year, he entered once again. He offered to help with my voice lessons, my choir uniforms, and most importantly, a car. Two weeks later my grandfather called to tell us Dad had been incarcerated; this time for a while. It was probably then that I hardened my heart.
He came and went several times over the next few years. He came to see me when my first child was born and wanted to know if I was going to take all my pain meds because he could really use something to get by on. UGH! There was also the time he wrote from prison to ask if I would send money so he could buy stamps and a toothbrush. I never sent any money. I would throw the letters in the trash, often unopened.
I haven't seen or talked to my father in 5 years. The last I heard he was in La Jolla, Ca. and I'm sure up to no good. This brings me to my nicotine induced nightmare a few nights ago. In my dream, I ran into my uncle and he told me my father had died in prison and was buried in a pauper's grave. When I woke up, I was very upset. Why? I don't feel responsible for him, but I do feel sorry for him. What will it feel like when this is true? He's been in poor health for years and it's not unimaginable that he could be dead.
I have a friend who had a father who left him when he was a small boy. Years later, this boy who was now a man took in his ill father to care for him until he died. I was overwhelmed. As a Christian, shouldn't we forgive and show mercy? I just don't think I could. I still have so much anger toward my father. As an adult woman with children, I realize that having my father be mostly absent was much better than having him present and causing more damage. I just look at my children sometimes and wonder how a parent could hurt their child so much. On one hand, I feel pity for him because he was so damaged when he was a child. On the other hand, I am angry that he missed out on knowing a very important person. I suppose I'll just have to deal with the issue when it's in front of me, but I wonder what that will look like...

No Smoking~

Once again, I am attempting to shed the most hated habit on the planet. It's really the one thing I regret the most in my life. My logical brain knows the risks and my heart knows my intent. I decided that 2010 was going to be the year...the year I lost those last 20 (or 30) pounds, the year I became fit, the year I do NOT smoke!
As far as smoking goes, the odds are stacked against me. My grandfather died of lung cancer. My grandmother died from heart disease (AND malpractice, but that's another story). My other grandmother died of cancer. I know if I continue to smoke, my life will be cut short. I don't even think I'm invincible as I did at 18. I KNOW I'm not.
So, I put on the patch. I have a love/hate relationship with the patch, but I don't have the will power to go cold turkey. The patch works very well for me during the day, but I can't wear it while I'm sleeping. The nightmares are realistic and emotionally scarring ( I exaggerate, but they are pretty bad). If I don't wear it during the night, I wake up craving like nobody's business.
This process is very humbling. I know logically that smoking is BAD and evil and will kill me. Addiction is stronger though. I rationalize, deflect, and negotiate where smoking is concerned. I think I need to go back to 12 step meetings for this final addiction. :)